Growing up, my perfectionist father often berated me when I was wrong or when I made a mistake. As a result, I learned to defend my position to the death.

The plus side of his chiding is I learned to stand my ground. The negative consequence is I loathed admitting when I was wrong. I would go to great lengths to distance myself from the wrongdoing. I would cast blame on someone else, as in, “the dog did it.” If that didn’t work, there was always, deny, deny, deny!

If my wife were reading over my shoulder, she would say I still hate admitting when I am wrong.

And that is not good. How can I learn if I can’t first face the consequence of being wrong?

In his Harvard Business Review article, “Teaching Smart People How to Learn,” author Chris Argyris identified four universal values that drive this reluctance to admit being wrong:

1) To remain in unilateral control;

2) To maximize “winning” and minimize “losing”;

3) To suppress negative feelings; and

4) To be as “rational” as possible.

The purpose of these values, says Argyris, is to avoid embarrassment or threat, as well as feelings of vulnerability or incompetence.

Defensive reasoning leads to assuming a defensive position, which prevents us from being open to learning.

Argyris’ studies of well-educated, smart people found they are the most defensive and the least likely to learn from their mistakes.

Solomon Warned Us

Long before Argyris articulated his theory of defensive reasoning, Solomon warned us about people who don’t learn from their mistakes.

In Proverbs 9:7-9, Solomon said, “Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse. Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning.”

According to Solomon, anyone who corrects a defensive person (aka a mocker) invites both insults and abuse. Ultimately, the defensive person will hate you for trying to show them their error.

On the other hand, says Solomon, a wise person will love you and be wiser still because they will learn from their mistakes.

Peter’s Three Denials

Another example of the impact of defensive reasoning comes to us in the life of Peter.

During the Last Supper, Peter boasted that even if everyone else fell away he would never fall away from Jesus (Matthew 26). Peter said he would die before disowning Jesus! The night Jesus was arrested and put on trial, Peter denied knowing Jesus three times (John 18, also Luke 22, and Mark 14).

After His resurrection, Jesus took Peter aside for a chat to deal with Peter’s three denials. Instead of calling out Peter for his boasts and then for his betrayal, like I probably would have, Jesus took another approach.

Jesus asked Peter three times if Peter loved Him. Three times Peter affirmed his love. And three times Jesus commissioned Peter to feed and care for Jesus’ flock.

In reading Peter’s letters, we see a changed man. The once boastful, prideful, impetuous Peter is now a man who took Jesus’ correction to heart. Peter is now a man who thinks, examines, and evaluates situations seriously. And he is now passing that wisdom on to other believers.

Just as Jesus asked, Peter is caring for the flock.

I Still Hate to be Wrong

I admit, I still hate to be wrong. I feel like I lose control of situations when I admit I am wrong. I feel like in some way, admitting that I am wrong is “losing” a point in some cosmic game. If I admit I am wrong, I’ll kick myself because I should have done better!

Then, I think about what Solomon said about a wise man becoming even wiser when corrected. And I want to be like that.

I think about how much I can be like impetuous, braggadocios, Peter. And I remember how that led to his downfall. I remember how Jesus gracefully dealt with Peter and restored him and how that changed Peter’s life and ministry.

I am so thankful that same grace Jesus showed Peter is available to me in my life. I just need to set aside my defensive behavior and be willing to learn from the Master!

Join the Conversation

As always, questions and comments are welcome. Has acting defensively limited your ability to learn? If so, in what way?

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Category: Skills | Double-Loop Learning